The Heartache of Abortion

Anonymous

I was raised in a busy and happy family. My father worked seven days a week and the only time we saw him was at dinner-time. My mother was busy raising us and was involved in many charitable and religious organizations. I longed for the attention and loving touch of my father. I remember watching television and wishing that those wonderful, attentive dads were my dad.

I was an unattractive teenager and never had a date throughout high school. In college, I blossomed and when I turned 21, I decided that I was going to finally have some fun. I quit going to church and started partying and drinking. I met a nice guy “Paul” at work and we found that we enjoyed being together. Within six months we became intimate. Within a month I started to feel very sick and although I had used birth control, I knew that I was pregnant. Paul could see that something was wrong and asked me if I was pregnant. I told him that I thought I was and he told me that he didn’t love me. I was crushed.

Confused and shaken, I sank to desperation. I couldn’t tell my parents, they would be angry with me. I was humiliated and knew my friends and associates at work would look down on me. I didn’t know where to turn. Devastated and alone, I decided to have an abortion. I reasoned that if our Supreme Court said it was legal, then who was I to question their judgement. They were, after all, well-educated adults and they made the laws for our government.

I looked in the phone book and called every doctor in town until I found one that performed abortions. I went in immediately for my doctor’s visit. I found him to be upbeat and casual as he explained the procedure. He put me at ease calling this “thing” inside of me a mass of blood and tissue. The abortion was set for the following week, which ironically was the exact date as Paul’s birthday.

The day came and I had told no one. I drove myself to the hospital, checked myself in and waited. The nurse came and gave me medication to put me to sleep. The next thing I remember was being awakened by the nurse. I wanted to lie there and sleep and never wake up. I was raised in a religion that forbade abortion but I didn’t really know God. I felt that because I had the abortion, I would surely go to hell. But could hell be any worse that what I felt now? I was in terrible pain for the duration of my stay, which was about three hours. I was then released and drove myself home.

Shaken, week and alone, I went to bed and lie awake thinking about what I had just done. I longed to ask for forgiveness but didn’t know how. Somehow the words didn’t seem to be enough for the act that I had done. Within a week I was back at the doctor’s office for my check up. “Was it a girl or a boy?” I asked the doctor. He looked surprised at my question and casually replied that it was only a few weeks old and that stage it is neither… it is a blob of tissue and blood. I felt relieved at his answer but I was only fooling myself. I knew that this blob of tissue would have soon been a live baby with a beating heart.

Everyday, I would busy myself so I would not have time to think about what I had done. Eventually, I met someone who loved me and we married. I became pregnant right away. I was frightened as I thought that this baby would die because God would still be angry with me and would get back at me somehow. To my amazement and joy, I had a healthy baby and within another year, another. As I gazed at my children, I often wondered what my first baby would have been like. I knew how old he or she would be and wondered what the child would have been gifted at.

I asked God to forgive me often but I didn’t feel forgiven. I didn’t deserve forgiveness. I had been casual about having sex with someone who I thought had loved me and when I found myself pregnant, I took the “easy way out”, or so I thought. I found that day by day, I regretted my decision and I missed the opportunity to raise this baby. I hated myself more and more for killing an innocent person who paid for my mistake. I felt guilty because God has blessed me with children and a loving husband. I knew I deserved hell.

I was going through much anguish and misery alone, as I had never told a single person about my abortion. I was pushing myself to try to take away some of the guilt. In time, I met Christian woman who invited me to church. I realized that God would forgive me if I trusted in Him and confessed my sin. I now know that I truly am saved and forgiven but I will never forget. Each day is a reminder of the baby I could and should have had. How I miss knowing this child of mine.